Gandalf the Grey Woke Up Gay! (hey, that rhymes..)
by Flame Tigress
Summary: Unadulterated wackiness abounds as our dear wizard friend goes the way of the Fellowship of the Ring (and half the staff of "The West Wing") as he goes off the deep end and wakes up gay!


****

Disclaimer: Oh, dear…Professor Tolkien would be very dismayed indeed to find out what we at FF.net have done with his characters. Alas, he is dead, but be thankful that he will never find out. And neither will his estate.

****

Author's Note: While cruising the fanfiction website one day, I found a fic entitled "Leo McGarry Woke Up Gay." (Hey, that sentence rhymes…) Intrigued despite my slight apprehension, I read it, to find that while "The West Wing" is a very respectable show, it is enormously entertaining to make fun of the characters…or make them wake up gay. I was unaware, however, that the "waking up gay" premise was not just the twisted invention of one author – Baked Goldfish, to be specific – but an entire empire of stories with the theme of an ordinarily-straight character waking up gay one morning. Upon finding a _Lord of the Rings_ fic entitled "Samwise Gamgee Woke Up Gay," I went on a title search for "Woke Up Gay" and found an extensive realm of waking up gay fics. Two of the most popular fandoms in which these are set are _The Lord of the Rings_ and "The West Wing," both of which I enjoy (the former of which is an obsession of mine). Well, reading these stories, I discovered that just about every character in _The Lord of the Rings_, from Pippin to Sauron, has woken up gay in someone's perverted fic, and Sam has even woken up straight (which is an unusual occurrence…why?). I say "just about" every character because nowhere did I find a story in which Gandalf woke up gay.

So now it's his turn.

Up until now, Flame Tigress has been safely confined to the areas of het and general fanfiction. But in the name of humor, I will indulge in a bit of slash…well, not really slash, as this is more a parody than anything else – after all, the "Waking Up Gay" plot line parodies itself.

****

Gandalf the Grey Woke Up Gay! (hey, that rhymes…)

One sort of fine morning in the pass of Caradhras where it was cold and snowing a veritable blizzard, Gandalf the Grey woke up gay.

Suddenly, their predicament with the bad-tempered mountain that wanted to kill them was not at all problematic for Gandalf; he thought it was a beautiful, fantastic miracle to be alive on such a morning.

"Rise and shine, Fellowship of the Ring!" he called cheerily. "We have a big day of plowing through snow ahead of us! But I feel light enough to prance over it like Legolas does," giving the elf a winning smile.

Legolas backed away, crossing his forefingers in front of him, though not entirely sure why, since the cross wasn't a religious symbol of Middle-Earth, as far as he knew. At any rate, Gandalf was severely rattling him.

"Can we skip the snow and just have breakfast?" Pippin asked groggily, turning over with every intention of going back to sleep, if Gandalf would _just shut up._

"Certainly not! Isn't it lovely and sparkling white? The air is so fresh and clean up here! It makes one happy to be alive."

"It's bloody cold and I'm freezing my arse off, so no, I'm not exactly happy to be alive," Sam muttered mutinously.

"Gandalf is right, you know – we do have to get moving if we're going to get the damn ring anywhere," Aragorn remarked didactically, practical as ever, much to everyone's annoyance.

"Oh, fantastic – I just _love_ being a human snow plow," Boromir grumbled. "Why don't we just jump off the mountain and save ourselves the trouble?"

"Oh, come now," Gandalf said blissfully. "You can't mean that! Suicide is such a waste. Just think – you'd never see sunshine or trees or flowers again! Butterflies and buttercups!

__

Oh, what a beautiful morning!

Oh, what a beautiful day!

I've got a beautiful feeling…"

"Look, I know we all just burst randomly into song occasionally, but that's just disturbing, you nutcase, with all due respect, Mr. Gandalf, sir," said Frodo, giving Gandalf a quizzical look.

~~~~~~~~~

"Oh, goody!" Gandalf enthused. "We're going to the mines of Moria!"

"They've got great food and beer," Gimli informed the Company. "Red meat off the bone!"

"Eewww," said Legolas with evident distaste. "Savage dwarves."

"The poor cows!" Gandalf exclaimed in anguish.

Gimli looked at him askance.

Ignoring Gimli's odd expression, Gandalf said blithely, "I hear the city of Dwarrowdelf is really great and stuff, but dwarves aren't exactly experts of interior decorating. I'm sure the place could use a few homely touches – still life paintings, flowers, sequins, et cetera."

"Uh-huh," Aragorn said skeptically. "I still think this is a bad idea."

_"Sequins?"_ Boromir asked, utterly flabbergasted and disgusted.

"What's he going to do to the city?" Gimli asked, sounding slightly panicky.

"Mr. Gandalf, sir?" Sam ventured. "Maybe you want to lay off the pipe a bit."

"Or check the weed," Merry suggested. "It might be contaminated."

"No, no, I haven't tried it yet!" Pippin protested. "I think it actually has some pleasant effects on the psyche, if you know what I mean."

Everyone turned and _looked_ at him.

"For the love of cabbages, Pippin, you don't need to end up any _more_ like him," Frodo asserted emphatically.

~~~~~~~~~

Traipsing through the mountains, everyone was a bit tired, discouraged, cold, and extremely sick of snow – except Gandalf. If he hadn't known the old wizard better, Frodo would have said he was _frolicking,_ which is extremely un-wizard-like. Frodo was pretty sure that Gandalf hadn't noticed the sidelong glances he was getting from all the other members of the fellowship. Even Bill the pony was looking a bit unnerved. Every so often, Gandalf would break out into song, and sounded so goddamn silly that Frodo resolved never to sing in public again, and certainly never to dance. Boromir was periodically snickering. Frodo wasn't sure if he wanted to snicker too, or just bury his head in the snow. He didn't understand how Gandalf wasn't embarrassed; Frodo was embarrassed for him.

Embarrassment was the last thing on Gandalf's mind. He was actually pondering why he had to be called Gandalf the _Grey. _Grey and other neutrals were such boring colors – in fact, they weren't even colors at all. Why couldn't he be something more interesting, like Gandalf the Lavender or Gandalf the Pink?

He was beginning to understand why Saruman had abandoned white for strobing, flashy colors.

Hmmm…what about Gandalf the Apricot-with-Crimson-Roses?

"_What _did you say, Mr. Gandalf, sir?" Merry exclaimed incredulously.

"Oh, did I say that out loud?" Gandalf mused airily.

"Yes," Gimli said grumpily.

"And you're disturbing me," Aragorn added under his breath.

"Disturbing the undisturbable and imperturbable!" Boromir remarked.

~~~~~~~~~

Gandalf was coming to the part of the "waking up gay" day when he began to have Thoughts about other male characters. Dirty Thoughts.

"Hmmm," he thought (making sure he wasn't talking this time), "Gimli's a bit too stinky to think about in _that way,_ and Merry and Pippin are just plain silly. Sam's a simple fellow, not at all romantic. Frodo's so blatantly, hopelessly straight, he doesn't even do his own laundry, and can't cook anything more complicated than a grilled cheese sandwich.* Boromir's got this macho man thing going – not at all appealing. Now, Legolas is a _pretty_ person. Gorgeous, in fact. His hair is always impeccably clean. Always perfectly groomed. But maybe he's _too_ much of a 'pretty boy.'

"But Aragorn, now…that's some hot stuff. I'm sayin'…break me off a piece of _that_!"

Then, suddenly, it hit Gandalf – what he was thinking.

"Oh, my beard and staff! I've woken up gay!"

Sam looked at him askance. "Yes, sir, you've been very happy all day. A bit out of the norm, if you ask me."

"No, no, I mean _gay_ gay!" Gandalf cried, distressed. "Queer! Homosexual! A pouf!"

"Very nice, poofy beard, Mr. Gandalf, sir," Sam commented, bewildered.

"AARRGH!" cried Gandalf.

"A bit late in life to be having your mid-life crisis, isn't it?" Boromir asked casually. "But to each his own style."

"Is it really such a crisis?" Pippin asked innocently.

Everyone turned and _looked_ at him again.

"Well, he seems very…um…happy? jocund? pleasant?" Pippin said.

"You're quite right, my dear hobbit!" Gandalf cried joyfully. "I'm very happy! This isn't a bad thing at all!"

"Not for you, maybe," Aragorn muttered. "But I'm still disturbed."

Frodo, Gimli, Legolas, Sam, Boromir, and Merry all nodded in emphatic agreement, edging away from the changed wizard and his dippy hobbit friend.

"Oh, my," thought Gandalf. "I've just gotten it! Saruman must have changed his robe color because……. _he woke up gay, too_!"

__

"Oh, what a beautiful morning!"

Gandalf began to sing once more.

__

"Oh, what a beautiful day!

I've got a beautiful feeeeeeeliiiiiiiing…

THAT I'VE JUST WOKEN UP GAY!!!!!!"

~ fin ~

* Information about Frodo's inability to launder or cook comes from an interview with Elijah Wood on the Tonight Show. FYI, he lives in the guest house of his childhood house, and his mother does his laundry and cooks for him. He wants to go to a culinary school to learn how to prepare more than grilled cheese sandwiches. He tried to make pasta once (for his girlfriend), but he overcooked it and it got all mushy and sticky.


End file.
